


before the world ended

by Kneekeyta



Category: My Mad Fat Diary
Genre: Break Up, Cheating, F/M, sad finn, sad rae
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-24
Updated: 2020-01-17
Packaged: 2021-01-02 03:08:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,692
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21154604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kneekeyta/pseuds/Kneekeyta
Summary: they almost had it all.





	1. Chapter 1

Rinn are 29/30 TW: Cheating 

before the world ended.

For as far back as she could remember, there was always, someone, somewhere, predicting the end of the world. She’d never bat an eye at it, she never thought there was any truth in it. Mostly. Deep down inside she wondered if they might be right. But the day would come and pass without anything happening and life went on. That was until the day the world did actually end, well, the day her world ended.

How stupid of her to have her world revolve around another person. She should have known better, she experienced the countless times people came in and out of her life and yet she still willingly chose to be so fucking stupid.

–

“Yeah, I’ll talk to you soon.” Rae mumbled down the line.

Hanging up her phone she sighed and then chuckled to herself. Her mum was always strange but in an, you can’t help but love her kind of way. But now all she ever seemed to want to talk about was when Finn was going to pop the question. She had explained to her mother, and Finn’s dad on several occasions that they didn’t need to get married, that they loved each other and were committed to each other. Though, Rae secretly did hope one day he might pop the question because, the day she first she met him she pictured him in a tux and by the end of the night she knew what color scheme she wanted and was ready with suggestions for their honeymoon.

Walking back into the living room, Finn was sitting on the sofa typing away on his phone, his eyebrows furrowed in concentration as he bit as his bottom lip. Something he only did when something was really bothering him.

“What’s up?” she asked, as she sat down next to him, running a comforting hand up his arm.

He immediately locked his phone and shoved it in his pocket, “Nothin’. What’d your mum have to say?”

She lets it go, knowing he’ll come around eventually. She always teased he was like an onion with his many layers, he’d laugh and say to stop quoting Shrek. She insisted if he wasn’t an onion then he was a cake, he likes that more.

“The usual. How’s work, when are you and Finn getting married, your sister is going to graduate with honors.” She mocks her mother with a teasing smile.

Normally he would laugh at that or at the very least smile because like she knew, he knew they were the forever type, but this time he didn’t smile or laugh. His face was stoic so she moved a little closer to him, and gently asked, “What’s wrong?”

He looked at her with watery eyes, and her heart started to pound with concern.

“I-I need to tell you something.”

She took a slow breath and said, “Okay.”

He looked away and then back at her, “I fucked up.”

She stayed silent not wanting to assume anything by speaking.

“I…um, Rae, god-I’m so fucking sorry.”

Her heart sinks and she thinks this is it, he’s going to break up with her and she never even saw it coming. There were no signs at all, as far she knew everything was perfectly fine with them. She couldn’t even imagine what the reasoning would be.

And then he spoke again.

“I—fuck, I slept with someone else. It was a few years ago but, I did and I’m so sorry.”

Breaking up might have been easier to handle than this bombshell.

Time slowed down and even though she knows he wasn’t repeating what he said she could hear it on loop, I slept with someone else, I slept with someone else…

“Rae, I’m so sorry, it was only twice. It didn’t mean anything I swear.” he pleads, tears running down his face.

only twice

She hasn’t seen him cry that hard in years. She wants to scream. Wants to hit him, break his favorite album in the hopes he can feel the pain and heartbreak she is experiencing, but all she can manage to do is say, “You need to leave.”

Standing up she heads to her bedroom, she feels like all her blood has drained to her feet because it feels so heavy to walk. She feels like she’s in a daze, like this isn’t really happening, that her world isn’t ending and that her heart isn’t actually breaking.

“Rae, please let’s talk about this.” He says gently, grabbing her elbow to stop her.

This infuriates her, she jerks away from him and spins around to face him, “Don’t fucking touch me.” She seethes.

He takes a step back he is so shocked. And she thinks, good.

“How fucking dare you think it would be okay for you to touch me. You need to leave. Now.” She turns heading back to her room slamming the door shut and locking it before she slides down onto the floor, her face buried in her hands as the tears finally come hot and heavy.

She knows he’s outside of the door she can sense it, she tries her best to muffle her sobs, as she hears him pleading, “I love you, I’m sorry, please, I love you.”

Not able to stand she crawls over to the bed and climbs up to slide under the blanket, trying to choke back tears but it’s no use. Her heart is breaking and there is no way to fix it.

–

When she wakes up its hard for her to open her eyes. They feel almost glued shut and her face feels swollen and hot. The events come back to her immediately and the tears come once more.

I slept with someone else

She’s heartbroken and angry, she has questions but she doesn’t want the answers. She’s doesn’t know how to deal with this, how to cope with this kind of betrayal. She never planned for this, but then again who can plan for their boyfriend of six years cheating on them. It was foolish of her to think they’d be the exception. That they’d be the great love she used to dream about having.

All she can do is roll over and cry until she falls asleep.

–

The next time she wakes up its morning, and she only wakes up because she needs to use the bathroom. Stumbling her way out of bed and into the bathroom is quite the feat really. After, when she is washing her hands, she looks at herself in the mirror. Her cheeks are red and puffy and so is the skin around her eyes, she has dried tear tracks running down her face but she doesn’t care. Not at all.

Staring at herself she realizes she’s staring heartbreak in the face, that this is what it looks like. Tear stained cheeks and a swollen face. 

She leaves the bathroom to go in search of her phone. When she reaches the end of the hall she mildly panics thinking he might be here, but is relieved to find everything left the way it was the day before. 

When she picks up her phone left on the coffee table, she sees that she has a missed call and two text messages, none are from, Finn.

She doesn’t know whether to be happy or sad about that.

Thumbing through her contacts she hits call.

When the line picks up, Rae really tries her best not to cry but it’s inevitable at this point.

“Can you please come over,” she manages in a shaky voice before hanging up.

–

When she wakes up it’s because her hair is being smoothed back out of her face.

“Hi,” she whispers.

“Hiya, babes,” Chloe says with a sad smile.

“I’m not dreaming?” she asks desperately.

Chloe shakes her head.

“Why did this happen?” she croaks.

“I don’t know, love. I just don’t know,” Chloe moves and lifts up the duvet to slide under with her.

They’re facing each other, and Rae tries not to focus on Chloe’s face because she can feel the tears building again.

“What did I do wrong?” Rae asks as she starts to cry.

“Oh, Rae.” Chloe surges forward to hug her, “Nothing, it was him. All him.”

Her cries are wracking and she wants to break something anything, but she hasn’t the energy to move from her bed.

–

“I think you should try getting out of bed. I made some breakfast.” Chloe says, sitting next to her.

She’s been focused on the picture hanging on the wall in front of her for the past half-hour. They both looked so happy. She wondered if he was faking it. And if he was, how long has he been faking it for.

“Rae, you need to eat something. Please.”

Clearing her throat and looking to Chloe, she says, “Yeah.”

She tells Chloe she’s just going to use the bathroom first so Chloe nods and makes her way back to the kitchen. Rae stares at the photo on the wall a few seconds longer before she heads to the bathroom.

When she comes back out she takes the picture down and drops it into the trash.

–

On day four her phone is ringing on the kitchen table and when she looks downs she sees his name. She walks away from her phone. When it stops her heart starts to beat again but only just. And then it starts to ring once more. It makes her want to scream. Several things in the house makes her want to scream. And she does, into her pillow at night to cry herself to sleep.

“Rae,” Chloe speaks softly.

“I can’t.” Rae replies in a breath.

“I know you don’t want to talk to him but that’s the only way you’re going to get the answers you need. No matter what your decision with your relationship is. You’ll need this closure to move forward.”

“I can’t—I don’t want to face him yet, Chloe.” She says as tears roll down her cheeks.

“Only when you’re ready, babe. Only when you are ready.” Chloe says as she brings Rae in for a hug.

–

It’s going on three in the morning and she’s wide awake, and she has a sudden burst of energy. She heads to the spare bedroom where the packing boxes are folded up and builds them. Once she has three built she moves around the house picking up anything that reminds her of him in the box.

When she makes it back to the bedroom she starts to pile his clothes in, not caring if they stretch or tear while pulling them off the hangers. When she pulls at his Oasis t-shirt is when the tears finally come. She crumples to the ground holding his t-shirt in her hands and then burying her face in it.

It smells like him and she cries so hard she can hardly catch her breath.

“I hate you. I hate you so much. But I can’t not love you.” She sobs into the worn fabric.

–

Two weeks later she thinks it’s lucky this happened over summer. She’s not sure how she could have continued teaching knowing her life was falling apart outside of the school yard.

She looks at her phone as it vibrates in her hand, he’s been calling three times a day now and she’s not ready yet. She doesn’t know where he is staying, she hopes with one of their friends. If she had to guess it was probably with Chop. He was always the most sympathetic one of their group of friends.

After she finishes lunch she decides to go back to bed. There’s nothing else for her to do.

–

The next day there is a knock at the front door. She waits to see if the person goes away but then there is another knock, then her phone is vibrating.

Izzy: let me in?

She lets out a relieved breath and heads to the front door. She opens it slowly like he might be with Izzy but she’s by herself.

Once in the house Izzy engulfs her in a tight hug. “I love you,” Izzy says with a firm squeeze before letting go.

“You want some tea?” Rae asks, she needs to keep herself busy.

“Sure,”

When the tea is made they are settled at the kitchen table and Rae isn’t sure what to expect from Izzy’s visit but it’s safe to assume it’s about the situation.

“So what’s new with you?” Rae asks having enough of the silence.

“Nothing much. Have a temporary roommate.” She grimaces.

“Yeah. Sounds terrible.” Rae says, deciding to play along.

“It’s difficult. Stay in his room most of the time. Probably thinks we can’t hear him crying.”

“I don’t know what to say.” Rae shrugs taking a sip of her tea, so she doesn’t say what she wants to say.

“Chop, gave him a black eye once, it’s all healed up now.”

Rae pauses, staring at Izzy’s uneasy face, “He probably deserved it.” She replies eventually.

“He said he did afterwards.”

“I don’t feel sorry for him, Izzy.” Rae says finally, needing to get the conversation out of the way before she combusts into a pile of useless facts and plaid.

“Rae, what he did was horrible. I am on your side you know that, right? I just—I wanted to check on you. I wasn’t sure if you knew he was staying with us and I didn’t want you to think me or Chop would forgive him so easily for what he did.”

She didn’t want to admit that part of her was relieved to know he was staying with them. Because for a solid day she convinced herself he was probably with the girl he was fucking behind her back. But even thinking about it now it sounded ridiculous.

“It’s almost been a month.” Izzy prods gently.

“It took less than six seconds for him to destroy six years of my life. A month is generous.” She mutters lowly, desperate to not let any tears fall.

She wants to tell her that although her the devastation and agony she has been suffering settled into a dull piercing ache. It still hurts every day, but she’s better than she was the first few days. But isn’t strong enough to deal with reality yet. She’s walking on her own eggshells.

“You want me to stay for a bit?” Izzy asks, her own tears ready to fall.

“I won’t be much for company.”

“That’s okay.”

A few hours of Rae not paying attention to the movies Iz picked, later, Rae is hugging her goodbye.

“Izzy,” She begins.

“I won’t say anything.” She replies quietly.

“Thank you.”

When the door closes, she goes to her bedroom. It was an exhausting day.

–

By week five she’s managed to go the grocery store several times by herself. She’s also managed to only cry in the mornings and at night, she’s not sure which she is more proud of.

As she puts her groceries away her phones starts to ring, glancing at it she sees it’s her mum. She decides to let it go to voicemail. That’s another thing she hates him for. Everyone is feeling sorry for her. Everyone is calling her and texting her to see how she is holding up, like she might die because of what happened.

What she doesn’t say is that she is surprised she hasn’t yet.

–

When week seven creeps up she’s decided she’s ready to talk. Though saying it and going through with it are two separate things. She’d googled how to deal with cheating and so far she’s gone completely out of order of the steps listed, but then again there is no real formula to solve this issue. But she does know that forgiveness was key in all of them no matter what the end decision of the relationship was.

It’s a simple text to him, but she erases it and rewords it several times over. She finally decides on, I’m ready to talk.

It barely takes an hour for there to be a knock at the front door, which halts her pacing up and down the hallway. She takes a deep breath before opening the door and when she finally does an overwhelming need of wanting to hug him takes her by surprise and she slams the door back in his face. She hates him but misses him so much.

The tears are coming earlier than expected, she presses her palms into the door and bends over trying to take deep breaths. It takes close to five minutes before her breathing regulates and she is ready to open the door again. When she does, his hands are stuffed into a pair of joggers and his shoulders are hunched in making him look smaller. She steps aside and lets him come in.

After she shuts the door she leads them to the living room and when she turns to him she watches curiously as he looks around and begins to notice all of their pictures they had displayed are gone. She sees the moment his eyes begin to water.

“Sit,” she says simply and so he does, on the end of the sofa. She takes the arm chair placed off to the side so she can face him.

“Rae, I’m—“

“Stop.” She says, “Just don’t, I know you’re sorry but it’s not good enough. I’m not ready to forgive you and I’m not sure if I ever will be. Just tell me why. Please.”

He sighs and runs his hands over his face, when he removes them a few tears trickle down his cheek.

“I..um, it was about two years ago, when I was still bartending and you were still in school for your teaching program.”

She tenses because she knows that was a rough time for them. She was swamped with school because she chose to expedite her degree so she took on a full course load, and he wasn’t having any luck with finding a solid job in his field. They were icy at times towards each other, irritated and overworked but they still loved each other. Or so she thought.

“And, I-“ he pauses and looks at her long and hard.

“Just say it,” she says as tears start to fall.

Scrubbing his hands over his face he says, “We had been on edge, bickering more than usual cos we were both so stressed and I was telling, Rob about it and—I guess she overheard.”

When he pauses she knew he was giving her the opportunity to ask more questions, like the girls name but Rae didn’t want to know, she didn’t want to have a bad association with a name of some random girl effecting her.

“And then what?” she says.

“Um, I served her and stuff we chatted a bit and then, uh it was an inventory night and I let her hang out after closing cos she had mentioned before that she was sad too and I guess we just commiserated and got a little drunk and it just happened.”

“It just happened.” Rae repeats slowly.

“It was a mistake, I’m sorry.” He pleads his tears coming in strong.

“No, onetime is a mistake and that’s hardly, twice is completely different. So go on, tell me how it happened the next time.” 

He wipes at his tears and sniffs roughly, “I–it was a week later. And she was saying how it made her feel better and like thanking me, and then it just, we just…”

“Fucked again.” Rae says for him. “So what, you fucked the sadness out of her and thought to give it one more go see if you could feel better, too?”

“I don’t know!” he cries.

“What do you mean you don’t know, Finn! It’s obvious you weren’t happy with me, with us and instead of just talking to me about it, you held in. Like you always do. And then you go and fuck some random girl, because it’s better than talking to me. I thought you had more respect for me than that, more respect for yourself.”

“I’m sorry. I know I fucked up. But it was hard then, you were so stressed and seemed distant and we fought over the dumbest shit, I just…I don’t know what happened.”

“What do you want me to say? That this is my fault, I’m sorry I was stressed over building my career, I’m sorry I wanted us, wanted our future family to be stable? If that’s what you want, then I’m sorry I made you cheat.”

“No, Rae! That’s not it. I know that’s it my fault and maybe I should have told you sooner.”

“Maybe. Maybe.” She says indignantly.

“And just not telling you all this time, it was killing me. I love you so much, Rae, you know you’re it for me.”

“It was killing you. You.” She laughs humorlessly, “Why even bother to tell me then, why now. You kept it a secret for two fucking years, Finn! Why not forever!”

“It was a mistake, Rae. One that I was never going to make again. I wanted to tell you but was fucking terrified of losing you.”

She sighs and rubs her palms into her eyes, “Finn,” she begins, dropping her hands to her lap, “Maybe you should have, like, I don’t know thought of that before you cheated.”

“My mindset was all fucked up, Rae. I just, I don’t know what else to say,”

“Then, just..why now, why out of nowhere tell me?”

He sighs and looks down at his hands which he is wringing together, “It’s going to make it so much worse.”

“Try me,” she huffs.

“I—um, remember a few months ago I went to New York for that graphic design convention. Well, um—I’d found this custom jewelry place and so—“

“Stop.” She say shaking her head. ‘The fucking audacity!”

“The-the morning I told you I had just approved the design, it had taken a little longer than expected, but…” he pauses and shifts to stick his hand in his pocket.

“I swear to god if you pull anything out of your pocket I will never speak to you again.” She seethes in all seriousness.

He stops and nods, removing his hand from his pocket.

“You were right though, it is worse.” She stands up and he does too, quickly.

“Rae, I—“

“Please just go.” She says in almost a whisper, before heading to her room.

Hours later she is wide awake, he destroyed her in more ways than one. She guesses it was better he told her before they were married. What a silver lining.

–

The next day she is staring at herself in the mirror. She went over what Finn had said, trying to wrap her mind around that time in their lives. She gets that it was the most stressful time in their life they had experienced together up to that point in their relationship. And knowing that caused her to worry. 

She didn’t know if she wanted to take him back, or even if she could. There was bound to be a lot more stressful times in the future than what they had gone through back then. Her worry is that if she did give them another chance, is would he do it again if life became too much.

She doesn’t know. And that’s upsetting.

–

He comes by a few days later, he’d been borrowing all of Chops things and bought a few new things, but asked if he could pick some stuff up. She agreed.

Only she had a moment of weakness and decided to be there when he showed up. Because as much as she hated him, she still loves and misses him.

When he walks into the bedroom she is slightly startled, because the feeling of needing to touch him becomes strong.

“I thought you’d be out,” he says in a small voice.

She shrugs, “I’m not much for going out lately.”

He nods and with his head down walks to the closet, when he opens it he takes a step back in confusion.

“It’s all in a box in the spare room,” she mumbles softly.

After shutting the closet door softly he leaves with a heavy sigh.

He doesn’t come back in to tell her he’s leaving, so she waits a while before deciding to check if he’s actually left, and when she goes to the spare room, his box of clothes has been sorted through.

She also notices the box she put their pictures in has been opened, so she sits down to look inside, and realizes the picture of them from their one year anniversary was missing.

Shaking her head she pulls one out from Chops, birthday. They had went on a pub crawl and got absolutely trashed. It was freezing cold but they pushed on. They were all walking in pairs, Finn had his arm around her shoulders and she had one around his waist, her face tucked into the side of his neck as they walked. Izzy has turned and snapped a quick photo of them. Finn was smiling so brightly as he looked down at her sleepy self.

It was her favorite picture of them.

Tear splashed onto the glass frame as she reminisced better times. Wishing she could go back.

–

For the next week all she could think about was, before. She’d think back and remember times when they were happy, but now she was second guessing him. She knew he held a lot of things in, but the big things, the important things he’d speak about. 

She doesn’t even remember how they got through their rough patch back then, it was just one day they stopped bickering and started talking more, they became themselves again. In the end would always console each other.

It made her question their life together. It made her heart ache and head hurt, to even think that he wouldn’t talk to her about how he was feeling. 

He held onto this secret for so long, and what hurts is that she was just blissfully unaware. She was happy in their life and he lived these past two years knowing that he could destroy them at any second if he wanted. And he did. It was hard for her to understand how he could live that way, just having this massive thing hanging over his head. How it didn’t affect him constantly.

–

“You know when I was taking down all our pictures together, all I could think was, we look happy, I thought we were happy. But I couldn’t help but wonder how many of them you weren’t happy in. If you were just faking it, for whatever reason.”

“Rae, I was—“

“Just, I know we’ve had our ups and downs in the past, but, I need to know. Was there a time that you were ever truly unhappy? That the best option would be to break up?” She asks in all seriousness.

“No, Rae. No. I—know I fucked everything up, I had a moment of weakness, but there was never a time I didn’t love you. I still love you, Rae. So much.”

“I was thinking about how it’s taken you so long to tell me, like, I get why you chose to tell me now, but how could you live like that for so long, I’m just baffled by it.”

“If you’re asking me if I felt guilty, then the answer is yes. It was, it is killing me. But it didn’t mean anything and that’s what got me by. You mean everything to me. I didn’t want to lose you over the dumb mistake I made.”

“I don’t know what else to say, I hated myself for a long time, I still I hate myself. I never wanted to cause you any pain. I’m so terribly sorry, Rae.” He says looking at her with wet eyes.

“I…I need to apologize, too, I just-I know how you can get in your head a lot, and you were right, it was stressful back then, so I’m sorry if you felt like you couldn’t speak to me, and that I didn’t make more of an effort with you back then and always really.” she says softly.

“Rae, no, this, is entirely my fault, you gave me the space I needed, you know I have to work out things in my head before I can express them. You did right by me, I always appreciated that you never pressured me into telling you how I was feeling, that you let me come around in my own time. I’m just sorry I never came around to it back then. Maybe if I had things would have been different.” 

She nods sadly, understanding what he is saying and runs her hands together, “School starts in a few weeks and I just, I don’t know what to do.”

“Can you really never forgive me?” he asks, upset.

She smiles sadly, “I’ve been thinking about that for a while. It’s been almost three months and I’ve pretty much gone through every single emotion a person can go through, I think. I’ve had a lot of time to think about everything you said, and even though it’s hard for me to fully understand a lot of it, especially your mindset at the time, I accept what you’re saying.”

Taking a deep breath she looks at him and says, “So, I guess what I’m saying is, I forgive you.”

Relief washes over his face, and she’s not sure how to feel, because it doesn’t change much between them. 

“I want you to know, that, I’m forgiving you for me, I can’t move forward with this hanging over me, I need to let go and move on.”

His face drops as he mumbles, “Let go and move on?”

“Yeah,”

“What does that mean for us?”

She lets out a breath, “It’s not like we can go back to before, Finn. It’s not that easy. It’s still difficult for me to see you.” Because it’s hard loving you and not trusting you at the same time.

He makes a face like she’s wounded him, “I just don’t know where to go from here, right now.”

“Rae, please, we can do something please. Let’s just start over then, fresh. We can go on dates, and holidays and…just fall in love all over again.”

“The problem isn’t me loving you, I already love you. So much. It’s trusting you. I don’t know if I can ever trust you again.”

“Rae, please, this can’t be the end,” he stumbles, his tears flowing steadily.

“Finn,” she sighs, “I don’t want you out of my life, you were, are, such a huge part of it, but whether that’s as friends or more, I don’t know right now.” she stares at him for a long moment, there’s nothing much else to say. 

As she walks away she hears him say, “I love you.”

–

She knows what’s coming is difficult. They built a life together, they lived together for years. And now they have to sort out the details to separate from each other. She doesn’t know if she will have the strength to completely go through with what she is telling him. Her brain is telling her to be cautious but her heart is screaming, “you love him”

All she knows is that whatever the future may bring, she will be stronger when she gets there.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> happy endings aren't always possible, but sometimes they are.

Crawling under the desks to gather run away crayons was the least thrilling part of her job. It never failed that she’d bump her head at least once, no matter how hard she tried to be conscious of her movements.   
“Come here,” she mutters at a yellow crayon that was just out of her reach.   
She stretches a little more, her fingers just grazing it as a knock sounds at her door. Jumping at the sudden intrusion she bumps her head.   
Sighing and giving up on the yellow crayon she shimmies out from under the desk.   
“You alright, Rae?”   
Smiling sadly up at, Brandon the P.E. teacher she replies, “I’ve been better.”   
He walks further into her classroom and offers her his hand to help her stand. She takes it happily and comes to a full stand smoothing out her blouse.   
“Crayons get away from you again?” he asks, teasingly.   
She rolls her eyes, “As always.”   
“Well, just two more days and you will be crayon free for the next few months.”   
“I can’t wait,” she replies.   
Crouching down she goes to pick up a pile of crayons she collected, but Brandon swoops down and picks them all up in one go.   
“Thanks,” she smiles up at him.   
“No problem,” he replies as he drops them into a bucket Rae had sitting on an empty desk.   
She picks up the bucket and asks, “So, any plans for the summer?”   
“Not really, no, you?” he asks.   
She tilts her head thinking about the week get away Chloe is planning, but she’s not entirely sure she wants to be included in that.   
“Not sure yet, maybe.” She answers instead of giving away any details.   
He nods, “So, how’s Pluto been treating your flowers?”   
Groaning, Rae replies, “I can’t count the number of times I’ve complained to my neighbors, but they still refuse to put their dog on a lead while outside.”   
“You should probably put a fence around your property.”   
“Yeah, maybe,” But she thinks she hasn’t been living there that long and doesn’t know how permanent her stay will be, plus she’d probably need some type of permission to do that.  
“Well, I’ll gladly help if you ever decide, I have the entire summer free and all.”   
Rae nods, “I’m a bit surprised you don’t have any plans to be honest.”   
“Maybe we should make plans to do something.” He says with a hint of hopefulness.   
Rae freezes for a moment trying to dissect what he just said and if it means what she thinks it means.  
“Let me take you out to dinner to celebrate the last day of school.”   
Her heart is pounding in her ears as her mouths moves, “Oh, I have a—” boyfriend. It’s on the tip of her tongue, but her brain catches up with her, “-a thing, after school so…can’t.”   
“Maybe another time?” he asks.   
“I—uh, um…” she’s scrambling for something to say, anything to say at this point, but she hasn’t the faintest idea what words are anymore, and all that’s in her head is a buzzing.   
“Listen, you have my number yeah, so gimme a shout if you wanna do nothing together one day.”  
All she can do is nod.   
“Have a good summer, Rae.” He smiles kindly at her.   
“You too, Brandon.”   
\--  
Getting home Rae sits on her bed replaying the afternoon. She was so close to saying she has a boyfriend, so close to giving such a natural response. Or what used to be her natural response.   
It’s a painful truth. She no longer has a boyfriend, hasn’t had one in almost a year. It’s definitely a hard truth to swallow, that’s for sure. Logically she knows her, and Finn are no longer together, but she’s never said it out loud to anyone that wasn’t immediate to her. She also never had a reason to. But after what happened, she thinks she needs to figure out exactly what she is doing. What she is waiting for.   
\--  
The end of the school year comes quickly, and the last day is easier than she expected it to be. The kids seeming to want the day to be over just as much as she did. She cleans up the last bits in her classroom and turns off the light before she leaves.   
Walking out to her car, Brandon calls out to her. She smiles at him and slows her walking to a full stop by the time he catches up to her.   
“Hey, how was your last day?” He asks slightly out of breath.  
“It was good, went by quick. Yours?”   
“It was alright, yeah, just mostly sorting equipment out.”   
She nods not knowing what else to say.  
“Well, I hope you have a good summer, Rae. And call me sometime if you want to hang out or whatever.” He says smoothly.   
She smiles genuinely back at him because he is very sweet, “Yeah, maybe I will.”   
He nods and quickly swoops into press a kiss to her cheek. When he pulls back he says goodbye once more and she mumbles the sentiment.   
Standing on the spot a few more moments she is confused. She did not expect to react the way she did when he kissed her. Didn’t expect to feel a want or a need for a hug, to feel a closeness. It was strange to associate those feelings with someone who she only saw as a friend. There has been a severe lack in any sort of intimate gesture in her life from a male.   
On the drive home she thinks about Brandon, but she also can’t help but think about Finn.   
\--  
“It’s not like you cheated or anything, you are single, Rae.” Chloe says as she sits back down on the sofa.   
“But it still feels like I did, emotionally at least.” And she really does, she never realized how starved for affection she was until the moment, Brandon simply kissed her on the cheek. And as much as she liked it she felt horrible for liking it.  
“Babe, I know you don’t like hearing this, but you really need to figure out what you want.”   
“I know,” Rae sighs.   
“The ball is in your court. You can’t expect him to wait around forever for you to decide if you want him or not.”   
“I don’t know what I want.”   
“No, you do. Which is why you’re struggling right now. Why you have been struggling. You need to do what makes you happy, Rae. Even if that means taking a risk.”  
Rae blinks up at her best mate, “I know.”  
\--  
After Chloe leaves a few hours later, Rae can’t help but think about what she wants. Can’t help the tears welling up in her eyes as she remembers Finn asking her a few months ago what she wanted.  
“What are you doing here?” she asks a second after the door is opened.   
“Figured I’d take a chance and see if you were home. It’s a nice place.” Finn shrugs.   
“Yeah, I like it.” She replies.   
“Can we talk? Or are you still busy?” The snip in his tone makes her want to slam the door in his face, but instead she steps aside.   
Once in the house he takes in the surroundings. She hasn’t been moved in for very long so it’s still a little lacking on the inside. He turns around to face her and he shrugs off his coat and lays over the back of an armchair.  
The small act has her not exactly angry, but simmering at a low boil. Because on one hand it’s such a natural movement, something he’s done a million times, but on the other she doesn’t want him here long enough to get comfortable. Too comfortable.  
“So, what’s up?” she asks. One hand on her hip looking pointedly at him. She doesn’t want to sit. Wants to make it clear that he’s not staying long.   
“Really?” he scoffs.   
She shrugs in response.   
“I’ve only been asking you for weeks if we could meet up. If we could talk. But you’re always busy. Or just outright ignoring me.”   
“We saw each other just last week.” She points out. But knows it’s a weak point.   
“I’d rather not discuss our business in front of our friends.”   
“I don’t know what you want, Finn.”   
“No, you know what I want. I don’t know what you want.” He says, his voice cracking slightly.   
She shakes her head, “I don’t want to talk about it.”   
He sighs, “You never want to talk, Rae. I’m begging you. This is me begging you. Its killing me not knowing if you’re ever going to give us a chance. I’m holding onto to so much hope, but I need you to give me something to go on here.”  
“I don’t know what you want me to say.” She ducks her head down, trying to force away the welling tears.   
“I want you to tell me if there is any hope of us being, US again. Or just tell me now, Rae that it’s really over.”  
She looks up harshly at him, “Why so you won’t feel bad for going out and finding the first willing girl to put your dick in.”   
“Rae,” he sighs.   
“I don’t fucking care, Finn. You have no idea how much I struggle on a daily fucking basis. How much I want to talk to you about our days. Only to remember you broke my heart.”  
His face is pinched, and his tears are ready to fall.   
She takes a shuttering breath, “Its fucking hard being around you. I just want to be close to you all the time, but I have to actively force myself to refrain. And it’s not because I don’t love you or that I don’t’ forgive you because I do,”   
“It’s hard for me too, Rae.” He replies, tears falling steadily.   
“It’s not, because you’re not the one who is heartbroken.”   
“You don’t think I’m—” he stops looking at her in shock, “-Rae if you think for one second that I’m not heartbroken, you’re wrong.”   
“You did this.” She says weakly.   
“I know. I know I broke us, but I’m trying to piece us back together here, Rae. I fucking love you and I always will. But you have to meet me halfway here. If you want us to move forward.”  
“I’m trying, but I’m scared Finn.”   
“So am I.” he replies.   
“I really want to trust you again, but I just don’t know yet. I mean have you tried to put yourself in my place. If I had cheated on you?”  
He shakes his head, “You’d never do that.”  
“But how would you feel if I did?” She asks.   
“I’d hope we could move passed it.” He says in earnest.   
“It’s easy to say that when its hypothetical. I hope you never have to live it.”  
“Will we ever be able to move on from this?”   
“I hope.” She says softly, true and honest. She just doesn’t know when they’ll get there.  
He nods and picks up his coat, “Ok.” He says and leaves.   
Blinking back into reality Rae knows she needs to try. That she wants to try. Dwelling on what happened won’t solve anything, all she can do is move forward from the past and focus on the present and future.  
\--  
Pub night.   
She was in need of a drink after the internal turmoil she’s been dealing with, and Finn was going to be there, who she has been struggling over. It was the perfect setting to get the ball rolling on being friends again and seeing where it leads.   
Pulling on her beat up leather jacket she looks at herself in the mirror and smiles. She’s ready for what the night may bring.   
Getting to the pub the gangs all there and of course the empty seat is next to Finn. She smiles and shakes her head a little as she goes to sit down. Everyone greeting he at once aside from Finn, who leans into her.   
“How’s it going, Rae?” he asks low.   
It sends chills up her spine to have him in such close proximity, it always did, even when they were together. Just being near him did things to her. No matter how mad she was at him.   
“Two weeks out of school and I’m good.” She smiles at him.   
“How was the end of school anyway?” He asks.   
Before she answers she needs a drink, “I’ll tell you all about it, but first I need a drink.”   
“Aye, you do, and wait…” he says and shifts so he can reach into his pocket, “Put on a decent tune will ya.” He tells her sliding her a 20p.   
She snaps it up quick, “Will do.” She replies with a wink.   
Standing up she feels a little light headed, she makes her way to the bar trying to shake off her feelings of floating. The conversation with Finn was easy and casual like it always was. It made her believe things were going to be okay between them as long as she put in an effort. And she did want to, she really did.   
Ordering her a vodka coke she waits a moment and when its slid in front of her at the same time a hand lands on her shoulder. She freezes for a moment because she knows its not Finn.   
“Hi, Rae!” A voice booms.   
Brandon.   
Turning Rae smiles at him, “Hi, how are you?”   
“Good, good, just out for a drink with some mates.” He replies.   
Rae is very aware he still has his hand on her shoulder, “Yeah, same.”   
“So, you never called me.”   
She didn’t think he would be that bold to call her out in a pub but before she can answer a hand is squeezing her hip and a body is leaning on her. Finn.   
“You okay?” he whispers in her ear.   
Clearing her throat, “Yeah, I’ll play a song next just catching up with Brandon from work.” She announces.   
“Alright,” Finn says as he leans away from her to stand up right yet to let go of the grip on her hip.   
Rae would be lying to herself if she said that she didn’t find Finn’s possessiveness completely arousing. Instead of thinking those thoughts she introduces Brandon.   
“…and this is my bo..Finn, this is Finn.”   
“Nice to meat you, Finn,” Brandon says extending his hand that was on Rae’s shoulder.   
Finn shakes his hand and Rae notices that it’s a little strong and it makes her want to roll her eyes.   
“You too. Rae I’ll see ya back at the table, yeah.”   
“Yeah, Finn, still got that 20p you gave me though.”   
“Make it a good one, babe.” He winks and leaves them.   
Brandon clears his throat, “Is he why you never called me?”   
Rae nods and says, “Its complicated. We’re figuring things out.”   
“I knew there was no way a woman like you didn’t have someone, but I thought I’d try anyway.”   
Rae sucks in a breath, “I should have said something, I’m sorry.”   
Brandon shakes his head, “Its fine, I wish you luck in figuring things out and you can always call me if it doesn’t.” he gives her a sly smile.   
Rae smiles politely, “Have a good night, Brandon.” She replies in lieu of a response.   
After Brandon walks away, Rae takes a long gulp of her drink. She’s already knows she’s going to need at least two more to make it through the night. She doesn’t bother with the 20p just heads back to the table and slides in next to Finn.   
He gives her a sheepish look, she shakes her head at him.   
“Who was that Rae?” Izzy asks.   
“A guy I know from work.”   
“He looked friendly,” Chloe claims as she waggles her eyebrows.   
Rae can’t help but laugh and glance over at Finn who is scowling into his Fosters. “Only a friend guys.”   
The conversation ends there for the gang and they go onto to discuss a quiz night, as Rae leans into Finn, “He did ask me out though.”   
Finn looks at her with hurt in his eyes and that’s not her intention at all she just wants to be honest with him with how possessive he got, which he really didn’t have the right to or need to be.   
“Don’t look at me like that.” She says calmly, “because really, Finn.”   
Finn clenches his jaw, “I’m sorry for being jealous and coming over there.”   
Rae shakes her head it’s not so much that he came up to her it’s that he felt the need that he had too, maybe she didn’t make it clear enough to him that she wanted to work things out even if it meant it would take more time and effort.   
“You don’t have to apologize just know that I told him me and you are figuring things out.”   
Perking up Finn says, “You really told him that?”   
“I did now give me another 20p cos I need to desperately stop who ever is playing this godawful music.”   
With that Finn grins and gives her a handful of change.   
\--  
“Stop, Rae stop! Please I’m begging you.” Finn cries.   
Rae can’t help but stop her walking, mostly because she doesn’t want to cause a scene.   
“It was my fault I should have…I dunno.” She scrambles, but there was nothing she could have done though she walked into grab a coffee how would she know that Finn would be there with another woman. A woman who seemed a little too close for comfort.   
Finn had spotted Rae and smiled and stood up but all she could do was turn around and run out of the door.   
“Why did you run away?” he asks slightly out of breath.   
Looking down she mumbles, “I didn’t want to interrupt anything.”   
Finn laughs, “What could you possibly have—OH. Oh Rae that’s not, she works with me, her husband is there too, I left them to run after you.”   
“Oh, I didn’t…” she trails off, because of course she didn’t know. It’s a sad fact there’s not a lot they know about each other anymore.   
“Is this how it’s always going to be between us?” he asks shakily.   
She knows what he means, means that are they always going to be suspicious of the other or jealous. They were never like that before but now, things have changed, but she wants with all her heart no to jump to conclusions, but she knows they both have to work at it.   
“I really hope not.” She answers him.   
\--  
It’s the middle of her summer vacation and instead of going to the beach or hanging out with the girls she’s in her living room sobbing and arguing with Finn.   
“Finn, I told you I needed time.”   
“I know and we are doing so well can you blame me for being hopeful. I didn’t know that coming over here would cause another fight or I would have never come.”   
“Oh so now you don’t want to work things out!” Rae shouts.   
“Stop twisting my words, Rae. You know more than anything that I love you and want to be with you, but I can’t make that decision for you.”   
“No, you took everything away when you…” she stops mid-sentence not wanting to throw that in his face because she is trying her hardest to work passed it.   
“Just say it, Rae, when I cheated.” Finn sobs.   
She can’t help the tears that form, and she also try as she might she absolutely cannot help her body gravitating towards his and hugging him with all her might. They cry together, Finn gripping her fiercely mumbling “I’m sorry” over and over. And all Rae can do is cry and believe him.   
\--  
It’s a week later and she still hasn’t seen Finn, she has texted him a little though. Mainly via the group text but its progress. Ever since their fight Rae has done a lot of soul searching. It’s been over a year since they broke up but if she’s honest with herself even though she told Finn she forgave him, she still harbored a lot of animosity. She knows having buried her feelings didn’t do her any good which is why they come out the way they do and why they were fighting. She didn’t mean to instigate a fight it kind of felt like it just happened and when it was done and over with she couldn’t help but feel so much when they were hugging, like how good it felt to be back in Finn’s arms again, or how their bodies just seemed to fit together so perfectly.   
It made her think back to when Brandon had kissed her cheek or when he touched her shoulder and how those gentle to touches were nothing compared to a simple hug from Finn.   
Picking up the pieces of her broken heart was a task and one she was willing to complete, she knows she just has to let herself have what she wants and not be afraid.   
If only she knew how.   
\--  
“I don’t want to say the wrong thing, but I’m really happy you invited me over tonight.” Finn says.   
Rae nods it’s not the wrong thing to say, she knows in order to work things out they need some one on one time alone together. That a public setting might be too much because she can’t trust herself yet to let go of any kind looks or purely friendly gestures Finn might give someone. And she knows that’s her own insecurities doing along with Finns.   
“I’m happy you’re here, I thought it was time we had some time together to talk, and not argue.” She smiles teasingly at him.   
“I’m done with arguing, Rae I feel like we said everything we needed to say.”   
“I agree, which is why tonight is just about two mates catching up on our lives.” She says as she hands him a beer.   
“I’ll drink to that,” he clinks his bottle with hers and she sits down next to him.   
“So, how was the school year?” Finn asks.   
“If I never saw another crayon again it would be too soon.” Rae groans then taking a sip of her drink.   
“What did the crayons do to you, Rae?” Finn asks with a small laugh.   
“Well let me tell you…”   
\--  
“Quiz night!” Chop shouts as Rae enters his house.   
“Oh my god Chop why are you always so hyped up about Quiz night” Chloe asks.   
“Tonight, we will win.”   
“He’s been studying.” Izzy says sympathetically.   
Rae smiles at Izzy, “good for him” then asks, “Where is Finn?”   
“Oh he said he’d meet us there, he hit traffic.” Izzy tells her.   
“Traffic is he at a work thing?” Rae asks hesitantly, she didn’t know Finn worked on the weekends.   
“No, he’s at his dads, been there since Tuesday.”   
“Oh,” Rae says, she had no idea he was at his dads he never mentioned it when they spoke or when they met up for dinner earlier in the week.   
“Yeah, splits the time between here and there to make it easy for me and Chop to have alone time, his words, I told him that was silly but he insisted.” Izzy rolls her eyes, then starts yelling at Chop to stop doing shots.   
Leaving Rae alone with this new information, she was going to definitely bring it up the next time her and Finn have dinner.  
All she can think is that he really is making the effort to fight for them.   
\--  
“Hey, before you go I wanted to ask are you living at your dads?”   
His face goes a bit red and he grows sheepish with his hand rubbing at the back of his neck.   
“Yeah, I split time between there and Chop’s place.” He admits.   
“Why didn’t you tell me before, I just assumed you were still at Chop’s fulltime.”   
“I honestly don’t know why I didn’t tell you I guess it wasn’t that important to bring up.” He shrugs.   
Rae takes a step closer, “No, Finn it is because your dad lives 30 minutes away and so by you being here all the time and having dinner with me here at my home that shows me that you are making an effort and that means so much to me.”   
“I am Rae, I’m willing to do whatever it takes to get us back together, to be better than we were before, I swear to you.”   
“I know, I know and it shows trust me it does show.” Rae admits.   
She’s been feeling closer to him these past couple of weeks especially with their dinners talking more in-depth about his work and how her work was going and her telling him stories about the students. She feels like she knows him better now than she did last year and that’s important to her.   
“I’ll see you soon yeah?” He asks.   
Smiling at him she decides to initiate a hug, stepping forward she wraps her arms around him and his arms immediately come up to grip her, “Yeah, soon.” She replies.   
\--  
It’s almost time for school to start again and Rae has been feeling the new semester jitters. She’s got her class room set up for the most part. There is still two weeks left of summer, so she has time to finish. She enlisted the help of Finn who was more than happy to oblige, and she was happy to have him.   
Things with him have progressed rather quickly once she let go of that lingering animosity and started to really trust him. The weekly dinners spent together really helping things along. They talk everyday, hours long conversation hushed in the middle of the night. Talking about old times and what future plans they have with work and life. Never bringing up the topic of cheating, because they are both too well aware that it happened, but she wants to make things work with Finn now more than ever, so she vowed to not bring it up or throw it back in his face.   
It happened in the past and she is moving towards a newer brighter future.   
\--  
“I can’t hang out tonight, I’m busy.” Rae tells Chloe over the phone.   
“Well, why not, it’s a Thursday what could you be so busy with?” Chloe asks.   
Rae wasn’t sure when to bring it up but there is no time like the present, “I have a date. With Finn.”   
“RAE! How come you didn’t tell me!?”   
“Cos I wanted to see how it went first, I’m nervous enough as it is, Chlo.”   
“Well, please at least tell me how it goes, babe, I know it may not seem like it but I’m rooting for you two.”   
“I’ll definitely let you know how it goes now I have to finish getting ready, I’ll talk to you later.”   
\--  
After her first official date with Finn, Rae started to really feel the butterflies with Finn again they were always there but now they would soar anytime she’d see him or even talk to him. And tonight, was another date. She lost count after the fourth one.   
A knock on her door sends her butterflies into overdrive. She smooths down her dress and opens the door to find yet another bouquet of flowers.   
“Thank you,” she says as takes the flowers from Finn.   
“You look beautiful as always.” He greets her and leans in to kiss her on the cheek. Which is something that they have been doing.   
“Let me just put these in some water and we can go.” She hurries to the kitchen for a vase and puts the flowers in some water setting them on the kitchen counter.   
“Ready?” Finn asks as he takes her hand.   
“Ready.” She smiles with a faint blush.   
-  
At the restaurant they are sat in the far back corner and Rae couldn’t be happier about it, she likes this one on one time with Finn, likes having him all to herself like this. She knows that it can’t last forever that there will be times when they go out with other people on double dates and such but for now, she’ll relish in the intimate moments they are sharing.   
“I’m so happy we’ve been doing this, Rae.” Finn says as she reaches across the table to take her hand in his.   
“I am to, Finn. I really feel like we are going to make it.”   
“God, Rae you don’t even know how that makes me feel. Just know this, I will never do anything to jeopardize losing you, it happened once, and it nearly destroyed me.” Finn admits in earnest.   
“Finn, I know I trust you and I believe you and most importantly I love you.” Rae smiles with a tear in her eye.   
He’s been so heartfelt over the last few dates and all their lunches and over the last few months in general that she believes him with her whole heart that nothing can come between them again.   
“Rae, I love you so much, I don’t even know where to begin, I’m just happy we are here and are together.”   
“I am too, Finn, I am too.”   
\--  
Two months later…  
“I have school in the morning.” Rae gasps as Finn unbuttons her blouse.   
“Wanna stop?” He asks after pausing.   
“No.” She says and grabs him back and kisses him hard.   
Its not their first kiss, not even their second but it feels like it’s the first. Kissing Finn was always the same. It was a full body experience. Each kiss filled with love and devotion, want and need.   
They’re fumbling their way to her bedroom getting undressed along the way. Their shoes kicked off long ago as well as their jeans. Getting into the bedroom Rae reaches for the light switch as Finn stops to tug his shirt off.   
He kisses her again as he slips her blouse off her, her moans filling his mouth. She helps him along by unfastening her bra and dropping it on the floor. All that’s left is them in their underwear and Rae is very aware they are about to have sex for the first time again. Its been well over a year Rae has many emotions taking her over. Love and longing being the most dominant ones.   
On the bed Finn kisses his way down her body, she feels on fire, she wants him, needs him so badly. He stops just as he reaches her panties hooking his thumbs along the band, “are you sure?” he asks.   
“Yes, please,” She responds and shifts her hips up as he pulls down the lace fabric.   
When he gets hers off, he takes a moment to discard his own briefs and then is back between her legs. He lifts her left leg up and leans in to kiss her inner thigh inching closer where she wants him to be the most. And when he finally does lick across her wetness, she lets out a strangled moan.   
He’s eager licking her out, sucking on her clit, finger prodding at her entrance. She can’t help but shift her hips up trying to get as much of his face on her has possible. She comes with two fingers deep inside her.   
But it’s not ending there, and she knows it.   
“Finn, Finn come here kiss me.” She says breathless.   
Before she knows it, he’s kissing her, and she can taste herself on his tongue. She can feel his cock digging into her thigh, hard and leaking at the tip.   
Pulling away she says, “I’m ready”   
Finn nods and sits up some to grab his dick, Rae bends her legs at the knees and spreads them wider.   
As he enters her, tears prickle at her eyes. So much trust and love she has for him and feels for him is making their union emotional for her. It’s been so long since she felt him in any sense let alone in such an intimate manner, that she can’t help but cry.   
When Finn notices he stops mid thrust, “OK?” he asks.   
“Yes, keep going.” Rae smiles tearfully at him. She’s so happy that they are doing this that they found their way back to each other.   
“I love you.” Finn tells her as his own eyes fill with tears.   
“I love you, too.” Rae responds happily.


End file.
